Recall and retreat

We joke sometimes in our support group(s) that we have different versions of our story. We have the short version, the long version, the one minute version, the television version, the news article version, the blog version, the personal version, the ministering version... well, you get the picture. We have a version of our story that fits pretty much any situation we would come across... except, where does an infant loss story REALLY fit? It doesn't. It shouldn't. It won't. It never will. It never did.

Sometimes, telling my story is natural. It just happens, and I find myself talking about Kylie casually, as if she were right beside me or holding my hand at that very moment. Then at other times, telling my story is as painful as if I were reliving it over and over, stuck in a nightmare that just won't ever stop. It hurts, it makes me sick to my stomach, and it drains me. It can be at any time, on any day, doing anything.

I find that when I get to certain parts of my story, as I recall the pain and recall the hurt, I begin to retreat in some way. Sometimes, it's into my writing. Sometimes, it's into music. Sometimes, it's to my bed to cry my eyes out. Sometimes, it's just within myself. Grief is so exhausting and draining, and even three years later is no exception. I find myself "recalling and retreating" a lot... even a smell can throw me into memory overdrive, or just a certain way Bryleigh looks at me, where I am hit with so much resemblance of her sister, or in Jaycee's innocent way of talking about Kylie and her life in Heaven... even such simple items cause me pause and my body goes into "fight or flight" syndrome. Because, ultimately, I will cry. I just will. The hurt isn't over, and quite frankly, I don't think it will ever be over. But, that's okay, too. When the hurt is over, my memories of her are over, and I never want that to happen.

So, sometimes, the pain of recalling the story causes me to retreat from my own writing, and I am going to have to find a place that I am comfortable with. Maybe it's in just writing a little bit here, a little bit there, but I am determined to get this written down and into some kind of format. I am working on compiling letters to Kylie, things that I have written for her throughout the past three years, to include in the book. I would love to have my book centered around those, after the initial story of course, and mixed in with commentary on dealing with my grief, other people, and living again. Even writing about a pregnancy after a loss is important, because I feel like I had to pave my own way in this whole process, and it shouldn't be so taboo that other parents have to go at it alone. I just won't let that happen anymore.

Recall and retreat. It happens. All the time, no matter the situation. We all do it. Now, if I could just figure out a way to "stop" the retreat... ;)